The Epicurean Dealmaker's not happy, either

Since I'm being derivative today, here's a link to the latest screed by the impossible-to-excerpt Epicurean Dealmaker, whose fiscal perspicacity is matched only by his vitriol.

The Epicurean Dealmaker: Live and Let Die

These firms, and the people who run them and work for them, have been living by the sword for a long time. It would be no great American tragedy if some of them died by the sword today.

There's more, of course. A lot more. Don't hold back, TED, tell us how you really feel!

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In Other News: The Epicurean Dealmaker Returns from Sabbatical

And he's not happy.

Unfortunately, when I returned to work this week I found that you people did not sort things out during my absence. The mainstream media, my fellow financial bloggists, and my trusty Bloomberg terminal are all still rabbiting on about the same old credit-contagion, market-crisis shite that consumed their attention three weeks ago. What's the matter? Weren't my instructions clear enough for you?
The current state of affairs in the markets reminds me of the old chestnut of the drunk who bumps into a lamp post. He thereupon begins walking in circles to try and avoid it. After he has collided with the same lamp post for the fourth time, he staggers to a halt and cries in frustration, "Help! They've fenced me in!"
I ask you: is that how you would like me to think of you, as a really bad, stale joke? I didn't think so. Snap out of it.

You heard him, back to work!

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The Epicurean Dealmaker does it again

And by "does it again" I mean that TED delivers a summation of the collective impact that the Collateralized Debt Obligation meltdown in the U.S. has had on financial markets around the world in a way that makes it virtually impossible to quote in brief summaries.

The Epicurean Dealmaker: Grains of Sand
This writer and many others have pointed to the principal sources of this contagion across sectors: cross-sector investment portfolios (which transmit selling pressure across nominally unrelated security classes and markets when price declines in one market encourage an investor to liquidate unrelated securities to meet margin or redemption requirements) and financial leverage applied to portfolios. This writer has further maintained that—notwithstanding the broad dispersion of risk across investors in recent years—market-making investment banks remain important if not critical transmitters of both of these forces in the market. Unfortunately, knowing the proximate causes of contagion in the markets does not provide much illumination as to when and whether the meltdown will stop, or indeed how further contagion might play out.

Just read the whole damn thing. You'll be smarter and better off for having done so.

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The Epicurean Dealmaker's exclusive scoop on Blackstone

The Epicurean Dealmaker: Penny Wise
Well, thanks to my talent for suborning disgruntled junior PE professionals, I can now report on the reactions of at least one altitudinally challenged squillionaire. It appears that Mr. Schwarzman has been taking time almost every day—even while on a less-than-satisfying French vacation—to record his reactions to the daily ups and downs of BX stock. No wonder, since for every penny BX shares move his personal net worth goes up or down by $2.5 million.

***Caution: DO NOT peruse TED's accompanying spreadsheet graphic while you are drinking a beverage, such as coffee. Failure to heed this warning may result in the need to purchase some of this.

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The Epicurean Dealmaker gets testy with the Cerberus/Chrysler buyout

TED seldom fails to make me spit coffee all over my monitor, and today's excorciating review of the hiccups in financing the deal is no exception.

The Epicurean Dealmaker: Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Chief Financial Officers at the five banks were likewise incommunicado, as they were busy preparing massive reversals to the accrued bonus pools to cover expected loan losses and simultaneously polishing their resumes. Staff at all five banks' leveraged finance groups were put on suicide watch.
...
Members of the 85 Broad Street cell of Al Qaeda issued a communiqué declaring a cessation of hostilities against Goldman Sachs employees, stating that "the infidels have been punished enough."

Magnificent.

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More Whole Foods fracas in the Flogosphere

Last night, I made some caustic comments about Whole Foods CEO John Mackey and his alter-ego that hung out on the internet pretending to be a stock promoter (as opposed to pretending to be a 14 year-old bisexual girl, which would probably have gotten him a pass in the media).

I also called for his head, and postulated that pressure from regulators and the board of directors might actually send him packing.

Well, it's good to see that members of the Commentariat who are wiser than I are saying the same thing. The Epicurean Dealmaker just excorciated Mr Mackey over this:

Among other provocative adjectives, I variously called Mr. Mackey an idiot, a moron, a fool, and a doofus. Now, however, after reading the latest revelations of Mr. Mackey's extracurricular activities on the internet, I feel I owe you Dear Readers a clarification:John Mackey is a putz.
* * *
Note to Whole Foods' (absentee?) Board of Directors: As all sailors used to know, it is not wise to allow a loose cannon to carom about a ship in motion, as it tends to have rather destructive effects on those boat parts and human limbs with which it comes into contact. The best solution, if you cannot tie the cannon down, is to toss it overboard. Need I say more?

It's worth noting that TED took John Mackey out behind the woodshed nearly a month ago over a separate, equally misguided error in judgement. Oddly enough, I missed this the first time:

The Epicurean Dealmaker: Ay! Whataya? Stupid?
So we learned with interest this morning from The Wall Street Journal that the culprit in this surprising drama is none other than Whole Foods' CEO John Mackey. Apparently, this idiot had the temerity, the stupidity, or the sheer knuckleheadedness (all related ailments) to make the government's case against his proposed acquisition of Wild Oats for them.
...
*** We will now take a brief intermission to allow the corporate lawyers in the audience to wipe down their keyboards and go change their shirts, after they spit their morning coffee all over themselves in reaction to the preceding paragraph. Thanks to the rest of you for your patience.
***What a moron. (Perhaps Carl Icahn was right about corporate CEOs. This one certainly appears to be a prime specimen.)


Eddy Elfbein of Crossing Wall Street has even gone to the trouble of assembling Rahodeb's greatest hits into a single post, for your reading enjoyment:

Crossing Wall Street: July 12, 2007 Rahodeb Greatest Hits
#2:
I like Mackey's haircut. I think he looks cute! If his hair bothers you now you should have seen what it looked like 10 years ago! The guy was/is clearly into alternative lifestyles and is one of Paul Ray's Cultural Creatives I outlined in my 2 posts to Hedge. You must not patronize any of WFMI's stores. Tatoos, piercings, unusual dress, and interesting haircuts are everywhere in the stores. In comparison, Mackey looks like a model for Brooks Brothers!

Oh dear. What are you supposed to do with someone as thoughtless as Mr Mackey? My vote is to make an example of him.

*Flogosphere is not a typo, by the way.

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